Now where did I leave that corpse..?

A few hours after my last post, I heard that my Mother had died. We've been waiting a long time for this, so long that we had drifted into that state where you idly wonder if your relative really is the person who has cracked eternal life.

I've realised that I don't think I ever really grieved losing her to the dementia - what point do you pick to do that? Which day is the right day to begin to mourn the loss of a person's interior workings? - so now I think I'm grieving that first, and the funeral will perhaps trigger more feelings around death itself.

You know how when someone dies you say, "Oh, she would loved that! /She'd have been thrilled!" etc... well, with Mum I keep thinking, "No she wouldn't, she couldn't even talk!" and then I have to go back a stage and think, "But the person she used to be would have..."

I had a bad relationship with my Mother for many years, and have had counselling to deal with lots of issues as I wanted to clear things up before she died and left me with even more of them! And I made my peace with it all - with her - finally. Quite a while ago, in fact. There are still pockets of damage in me which spring from those injured parts of my psyche, but everyone has those. I no longer blamed her for any of it, I'd forgiven her for it, I'd acknowledged my part in it all (okay, some of it appears to have been merely Being Born, but as I grew up I took my part in the drama) AND I'd acknowledged that perhaps she shouldn't have treated me as she did at times.

She was a damaged person herself, and it has been lovely to hear so many loving memories of her from people who knew her when she was about the age I am now. Others remember her as loving, nurturing, supportive, exhuberant, intellectual, fun, joyful and bringing colour and love to her world.

I'm glad that I've got far enough in my own brain-clearing exercise to be able to be thankful for those lovely memories that other people have, to let go of my own not-so-good ones, and to think of her as someone who brought a lot of love, joy and fun to the world.

And the fact that her body went AWOL for a few hours only adds to the fun. (In fact, it was there all the time, we just didn't know where!) She was always looking for things, losing keys, exclaiming, "Dash! Where've I put..[X, Y, Z] ?"

She'd have loved it. The woman people remember. She'd have loved it.

RIP Mum, I love you. x

Man Flu...

Sorry about the radio silence - I've had Man Flu. It's much more serious in women, of course, as it's crossed the species. Nevertheless, I've struggled into work and got through the week.

It did set me thinking, though, about how flippant the sexes are about each others' different Ways of Being. I should warn you that I'm quite Politically Incorrect at times. I actually don't see anything wrong in one gender tending to be more nurturing and - well, motherly - whilst the other is more hunter-gathery. I don't see anything wrong in someone of either gender enjoying expressing the traits ascribed to the other gender - I know some great male 'mothers', and some ass-kicking hunter-gatheresses.

And to be perfectly honest, I don't see anything wrong in men saying they feel really, really crap and asking for a bit of TLC from time to time. If that's what it takes for them to be able to be vulnerable, why not?

I think it's true that women tend to get on with life despite how they're feeling - historically, babies needed feeding and men couldn't do it - simple, huh? But goodness, how many men unflinchingly shoulder responsibilities without making a big deal of it? The irony being that we'll never know, cos they don't make a big deal of it.

I'm tired of people pretending that the two sexes are able to function identically without it having any impact on society. I'm sad about all the damaged children I see because of our 'I come first' culture. I even sometimes suspect that the Feminist movement has destroyed any chance of a cohesive society, God forgive me - and I don't say that lightly. I am happy and proud to vote, to earn my living, to pay my way... but deep down I wonder what price we're paying for women's relatively new-found ability to be pseudo-men.

This is dangerous ground, I know. I know about the oppression of women down the centuries. I understand the concept of 'the problem that has no name' (see Betty Friedan: The Feminine Mystique). I am aware of the abuse of millions of women who until very recently suffered in silence, and in fact many still do.

And yet - as a woman - I still can't shake this hunch that when I look at society, see how women are abused in new and different ways, deal with children whose lives were shattered from the start, and above all marvel at the utter lack of self-respect which allows young women to collapse, drunk and knickerless in the street in front of cameras... I can't shake this hunch that we've lost out.

So - sue me..?

Proud to be British!

Wow, I never thought I'd have that as a blog title. Don't get me wrong; I love the UK in lots of ways, but it so happens that my job exposes me to a lot of the sad and violent stories which never make the headlines.

However - if you remember, I am harbouring hopes that the Credit Crunch will make us rethink our values - probably not without a lot of heartache, increased crime and a total change in the retail landscape. It's going to be really, really tough on people.

BUT! Already there is a small light gleaming in the darkness.

Yesterday was Red Nose Day - a day when we switch the focus off ourselves and onto those who really are in need. The mix of very funny television (hundreds of famous people give their time free and drop any pretence of dignity) and absolutely harrowing footage (eg the African parents watching their babies die of malaria) always ensures massive donations to charity throught the night and for the next few weeks.

For me, the people who endured perhaps the most humiliation for charity this year were the stars of Dragons' Den, who sent themselves up mercilessly and did it brilliantly. Apart from the guts it took to stand opposite skilled impersonators showing off all your worst traits, they also showed a huge sense of fun as they played Victorian parodies of themselves. How any of them kept their faces straight, I have no idea. I bet there'll be an outtakes DVD!

Apparently bookies were giving very low odds on this year's total being anywhere near last year's (I suppose even bookies have to make a living). BUT!!! They were wrong. I think lots of people could have told them that because, despite all the dreadful statistics about literacy, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse and obesity, etc etc etc, one thing remains gloriously, wonderfully, magnificently, against-all-the-odds true about the British.

We are generous-spirited. A South African colleague of mine was recently moved to tears by the response from people in the office when her car broke down. We just did what people do, rang garages, ferried her round, got a motor-mechanic son in to look, made her tea and reassured her... and she was overwhelmed with 'the KINDNESS of you Brits!"

Let's not lose sight of that. No need to be big-headed; lots of people in lots of countries are generous. But we do have a flair for combining sheer bloody idiocy and a sense of fun with the compassion needed to put others first and try to make their lives better. When we let that flair loose, there is no limit to what we can achieve.

I read this morning that: '...the show was a huge success and by the time it ended at 2.10am on Saturday, the fundraising total stood at a massive £57.8 million - easily supassing the previous record of £40.5 million raised on the night.'

The eventual total will be much higher. Probably much higher than the previous record of £67 million.

Fellow Brits, I salute you!!

A Very Short Poem...

My daughter and I were helping her Dad to clear out some cupboards yesterday, and I found this poem, which I wrote many years ago. I still remember glimpsing those angels.

Am I mad? Possibly. But it's a lovely image anyway...

Were they really there?

Certainly I saw them,

arms linked in jocular society -

staggering down our road in the snow,

intoxicated with the love of God.

Faces alight with boozy cheerfulness;

taller than our house, they towered

over cars and trees and street-lamps,

holding one another lest they fall

in drunken delight

at the feet of him who made them.

Angels on holiday!