Gut feelings...

Right, no more apologies, I shall blog much more regularly again from now on! [REALLY? -Ed] I've been so busy - but that is no excuse for not prioritising the enjoyment of catching a few of my thoughts as they fly past, and popping them onto the screen.

My walk along the top of the Learning Cliff continues. I'm really enjoying Supply, and once more am in a school where they are very keen to keep using me, so that's good for my professional self esteem. If you recall, one of the reasons I left my Advisory role was that I felt I was lacking integrity; telling teachers what to do when I hadn't taught for nine years didn't feel right. But I knew I didn't really want to go back to teaching French in Secondary, so I asked my agency to place me in Primary schools.

Almost a full academic year on... I still have food in the fridge, I haven't defaulted on the mortgage, and I've even been on holiday to see my daughter in Paris. On paper I've taken a drop in salary of at least £15,000 but I honestly haven't really felt it.

Now I'm being head-hunted for a year's post in a parallel Advisory Service. It would mean being paid the former salary again, and I'd be paid through the holidays (despite the hype, Supply does NOT pay enough to see you through the holidays, but I enjoy the challenge of budgetting).

I'm trying very hard to think it through what is known as 'sensibly' (ie 'thinking about the money') but I find that my intuition is screaming so loudly that it's almost a no-brainer. What on earth would be the point of plucking up my courage to leave a job, only to walk back into its identical twin? How can I ignore the sinking feeling I get just at the thought of being 'back in harness'?

I owe it to myself to be responsible and to check out my reactions fully. For example, it's possible I need to go back and face those feelings. It's possible it would be 'sensible' to have a year of guaranteed salary.

But I'm not one to ignore my gut feelings. I've raised my daughters to listen to their intuition. I can live no other way. It really doesn't even feel like a choice. I have been so HAPPY this last year, loving being in the classroom, and (so I was told by a parent of a child with Aspergers) "changing lives". Former colleagues have been amazed at 'How great you look!" (I'm not sure what they were expecting!) Some of them are envious - but they all had far more choice than I did, as I was the only single person on the team. They all had financial back-up and yet have chosen to remain in a place which, they tell me, is even more stressed and unsafe these days.

I'm not even sure that teaching is where I shall ultimately remain. But I'm sure that I need to carve a life where I can take time out if I need, to retreat and write, or to be there for family and friends.

Nevertheless I am very conscious of the old joke which ends "I sent a helicopter!"

To be honest, my mind is made up. Or rather, my gut is. This is where I find out just how much courage my convictions hold...