51 and counting!

Yesterday was my birthday - you may have gathered by now, I get insanely excited about my birthdays and don't worry too much about the actual 'getting older' part. I had a lovely day, although it was a little poignant because it's the first time my younger daughter hasn't been able to spend the day with me. She rang in tears at one point, so my other daughter and I did silly voices and made her laugh till she felt better.

That sort of brings me to the point of this post; I told her that we can't be everywhere in life. We have to make choices, and of necessity, eventually we will have to choose between two places we want to be at once. It's unavoidable. She loves her job and where she lives near Paris, and she needed to be there. End of, as far as I was concerned. I shall see her soon I'm sure. Our love for each other is far too strong to be weakened by the matter of a few hundred miles' distance in any case.

I always ponder even more deeply than usual as I come to a birthday. Perhaps it's because my birth wasn't easy and I was brought up with the story (true or not) of how I never nearly made it at all, and so I treasure life as the most precious possession I have. I actually do love being alive. That's not to say there aren't days where it's all difficult and grey; that's how we get the depth to our experience. Shadows throw life into sharp relief. I was born with a pessimistic, phobic nature (which still rears its head) but it occurred to me somewhere along the line that I had a choice to be positive, and so I've faked it until I've [almost] made it. Whatever situation I'm in and whatever fears I have, I choose to look at the positives, to reframe until I have some kind of peace around it all. As a younger woman I believed in the Christian God and one of the perks (as an Evangelical) was that the Creator of the Universe was somehow on my side. I guess I still feel that deep down.

I make New Year resolutions on my birthday. This year as I looked back over '50' I realised just how much of a transition year it's been. I changed job, we sold the family home, I've travelled, I've planned, and I've moved on out of my forties with - if not panache - a certainty that I'm getting back on track.

Back on track? Well - I realised a while ago that I had stopped allowing myself to dream. I was always someone with vision for my future, until one day I realised I wasn't any more. It came as a shock. So... I pushed myself to go for what I could remember of what I wanted. And being a slave to a high salary in a job which was wearing me down wasn't it. Eventually, after gathering my courage for a few years, I left.

So far, so good. I then realised that even without my former Christian beliefs, I do really know in my heart that All Shall Be Well, and I've allowed myself to return to my former belief in provision. I'm just no longer quite sure what to label the Provider.

Living my life is like being in a small boat on a fairly choppy sea. The way to avoid seasickness is to move with the boat. I've decided I can either brace myself against each wave and end up rather the worse for wear, or just enjoy the feeling of being carried along, whooping excitedly when the boat goes up and relaxing as it bumps back down again.

My 52nd year is going to be my 'Why Not?' year. I've done the hard part, made the transition, and now I need to enjoy the fruits of that. It's going to be the year when I tackle things - my house, my weight, my fitness, my career... funnily enough, I hesitate to write 'my love life'. I find that whenever I do a life-laundry, love comes low on the list. I don't know whether that is because it's genuinely a low priority or whether I'm afraid of failure - or even, as a counsellor once suggested, afraid of success. I'm not going to focus desperately on Finding Someone because I have plenty to keep me busy just finding myself! And if he's out there, he will be someone with the guts to take on life (and therefore me) - so win-win!

I've come so very far in a few short years. I know my fifties are going to be another exciting chapter in my life. Bring it on! :)