1662 and all that...

I was in a bookshop the other day, trying to think why Richard Dawkins annoys me so much.

This won't be a popular view perhaps, but it's nothing to do with what he says (some of which is eminently sensible) - it's the sloppy way he argues it. I don't think he's very good at putting his point across. It may be some misguided intent to make his ideas accessible, I don't know, but whenever I read his writing I feel as though I'm running round some mental Moebius Strip. I also really don't like the way some of my atheist friends lazily quote Dawkins rather (I suspect) than think things through for themselves.

My train of thought led me onto pondering why the Church annoys me so much these days, and a phrase popped into my head - something John Sentamu (the Archbishop of York) said the other day: "Being a leader is not only about being courageous and determined; it is about being part of an effective team."

Like so much of what Bishop John says, this is very true and yet - it depressed me to read it. I had no idea why, so I took some time later in the day to think about it.

And this led me to an important realisation about how I see the Church of England. As I sat and thought, I remembered being taught many things about Leadership decades ago. Back then, leadership (in the Church context) was about 'Taking time to listen to God'. After all, Jesus could hardly have said at times that he was part of an effective team. They were on occasion a rubbish team, who only really got it together after he'd gone. It didn't stop him being a leader.

A memory flashed into my mind of my ex-husband coming in from a clergy training day many, many years ago and venting his frustration at it all. "They're giving us MANAGEMENT training!" he spluttered indignantly. "It's all very well, but if we lose our vision of the Church as a spiritual organisation, we are going to end up with all the problems which big companies have."

How prescient. As we went on, we discovered that there was less and less room for 'Being Still and Knowing' in clergy life. It was increasingly about meetings, budgets, finance committees... in fact we were great at fund-raising, I discovered a real flair for it - but I never quite lost the feeling that in some way we were running counter to the true gist of the Gospel.

I'm not stupid. I know that in effect the C of E is a giant business. Therein lies its spiritual downfall, like so many religions and insitutions before it. I went forward to ABM (the Church's Selection process for clergy) and was turned down (so I was told) because I appeared to be 'too much of a people person'. I consoled myself with the thought that Jesus probably wouldn't have got through either.

I began to lose patience with it all as I watched an institution which largely preached against the dangers of Astrology and the like, turn to Myers Briggs profiling to choose its clergy; there was a rumour that introverts were far more likely to be appointed. I suppose they were more malleable?

Anyway perhaps I was unlucky with my timing. If I'd been a decade earlier or later I might not have had the feeling of watching something precious go downhill. I know enough Church history to know that this isn't a unique time in history, but I truly despair as I see the Church desperately manouevring to 'get down there' with whichever element of society they are trying to draw in. Where's the USP?

I was drawn to the Church through the early morning Prayer Book service at the age of 13. I've also led worship in the pub style, loved it at the time, and see nothing wrong with both co-existing. But the 'pub-style' church were astoundingly bad at welcoming the people my Ex and I brought along from our local pub. He always said that many churches with good 'foreign mission giving' were pursuing an active foreign policy, paying others to do what they weren't prepared to do themselves.

I know this isn't the case in larger, flagship churches and indeed in many others - but I think 'The Church' has ignored to its own detriment the fact that systems and methods simply don't replace a genuine urge to share the love of Jesus because you just can't help it.

I'm not in that place any more. I just try to extend love to people, because - well for all sorts of reasons, but basically as a fellow human. There was, you see, no place for me any more in a church which sought to put me in a box, refused my offer of deeper involvement, turned away the truly needy until they were a bit cleaner...

I grant that I could have been in a different place at a different time and had another experience entirely. It was unfortunate that after two decades of being known for encouraging hospitality in our congregations, the several churches I attended after my divorce happened to be places where nobody spoke to me. One of them had Alpha posters (don't get me STARTED!) all over but I assumed as I hadn't been invited, I didn't count as a statistic by just turning up. Whatever - nobody spoke to me there, either.

My point, though, is this: I WANTED to find a church. I WANTED to be involved. I had a lot to offer. Whatever systems are in place, they are probably letting down hundreds, even thousands of people who truly would like to explore their spirituality.

I don't even count myself a Christian any more. I can't because there is no place for me to be one. And I actually don't want to be, not if it means having to conform to this awful, watered-down form of Being. It's sad but to be very honest I feel as though I've escaped from a cult; my daughter said the same.

I'm aware that my feelings are my own - that there are many arguments for what the Church is getting right. It hurts me to see my beloved nephew so worried because I can't in all conscience say the things he wants to hear about my faith.

Has the Church failed me? Have I failed it? I have to believe that I am on my own spiritual journey and that things which have happened to me have been for a reason - to make me ME. I look back at all the people I led to Christ (a lot!) and wonder what they believe now, if they are still glad I did, if they are tussling with the feeling something's not right, or the guilt of wondering if they are beyond the Hebrews 11 pale.

I'll keep you posted!